Cool
Calm
Just Like My Mom
What people are saying about Matt Burch.
"It's not mine."
-Mom
"The kid is funnier than a box of dead kittens. God I'm hungry."
-Gandhi
"He used to get in trouble all the time for eating glue in class. This was when we were juniors. In college."
-Former Classmate
"If he was my girlfriend, I'd beat the shit out of him too."
-Chris Brown
My name is Matt. And my mother didn't change my diaper for seven years just so I could write another normal profile. I'm a nice guy about 5"10. I’m fun, witty, and I’ve offended more people in the time it took to write this sentence than most people do in their lifetime. My wardrobe is nothing short of respectable. My hair looks good even when I’m asleep. I am healthy, athletic, and the only thing keeping me from having a six pack is the fact I already have an eight pack.
I'm coming off a hard divorce with my seventh wife. My six delinquent kids say I'm a pretty nice guy. My 8 grandkids would beg to differ, but nobody likes them anyway. My workout program consists of laying on a couch and convincing myself that 200 pounds isn't that fat. I sometimes forget to finish sentences, which is embarrassing because.
I grow body hair on command. When I dance, walls shake, windows shatter, and small children run away crying. My beanie baby collection is adored by millions of people, none of them women. So I don't know how to ride a bike, and about 90% of everything you just read about me isn't true, but I once ate an entire bag of doritos in one sitting. That has to count for something.